Questions I asked myself on a four-hour ride home from Utah.
Am I wrong? Should I lower my standards and tolerate the world? Am I just idealistic? Does maturity have to mean tolerating images and thoughts that I was taught since I was born were wrong and/or sacred and not to be displayed? Should I tell this person whom I love how awkward and severely uncomfortable I felt? I know he knows better, and I know he's such an incredibly awesome, wonderful person, and so shouldn't I show how much I respect him by being my characteristic blunt and tell him my thoughts? Shouldn't I do my part and help him they best way I know how and explain my feelings that, even though everyone has these desires and in of themselves, they are beautiful, but they should not be entertained till the appropriate time? Am I "preachy"? Am I self-righteous? Would he be offended? Would he speak to me again? Would he still value my opinion like he has so many times before? Would he listen? What would God have me do?
Why do we hurt people we love? If we love them, why berate and make them feel small? If we see that teasing and reawakening old, painful memories hurts a person, and that person has shown us time and time again that they DON'T think it's funny, why would we do it again? And again? And again? Why do we justify cruel teasing by saying, "They laughed, to," or "See, she's smiling,"? How on earth can "You're a good sport," and "Oh, I love you," be classified as an apology?!
What's wrong with love? Why can't people just be able to tell each other how much they care for them? And why don't we show it? What is it we're afraid of? After all, isn't loving more important than being loved? Why is emotion so hard to express? What is about crying in front of others that makes us cringe? Why do we hide emotions under casual, indifferent, shrugging cloaks?
Why is forgiving oneself so much more difficult than forgiving others? Why are we all so proud? Why does it plague our souls wherever we go and whatever we do, beyond any reasoning or logic? Why is it that even when we KNOW we are so pitiful, sinning, crude creatures, we're still capable of holding our heads above the clouds?
Why?!
I don't feel worthy enough to give a good comment, Michaela, but ... if my peice on the piano made you want to hide in a corner, this makes me want to go live in a cave. But if it helps, I think you've confused self-righteous with plain old righteousness. And if I know anything about you, Michaela, it's that you're a child of God through and through. I know you'll be loyal to Him first because that's just what you'd do.
ReplyDeleteAnd if I knew anything else about you, I'd know you were confident, compassionate, empathetic, caring, loving, witty (with a sprinkle of sarcasm, gives you flavor), charming, bold, unafraid, cheerful, and by golly Michaela, you'd better stay that way. Your starshine makes me seem.. well... devilish. I've been so guilty of emotion hiding over the years. But I think the reason I can still keep a ... somewhat healthy amount of self esteem is because I know that there's Someone, well, three Someones up there that will care for me no matter what I do. Makes me feel guilty, actually after everything I've done. I feel so inadequate most of the time. I feel scared around people, Michaela, I've just learned to cloak that too.
So.. basically, you're high enough above me that you should most CERTAINLY not be second guessing any of your choices. I trust YOU of all people to do the right thing.
Thanks, Brandon. I really don't deserve a friend like you.
ReplyDeleteNow wait a second. I spent half an hour writing a comment on how much I need a friend like you and then you turn around and say you don't deserve me. You should listen a little harder, Michaela.
ReplyDeleteTouche.
ReplyDeleteDid you not listen closely? I just spewed my guts up there all about pride. In case you didn't realize, I used "we" in place of "I".