No Answers

Questions I asked myself on a four-hour ride home from Utah.

Am I wrong? Should I lower my standards and tolerate the world? Am I just idealistic? Does maturity have to mean tolerating images and thoughts that I was taught since I was born were wrong and/or sacred and not to be displayed? Should I tell this person whom I love how awkward and severely uncomfortable I felt? I know he knows better, and I know he's such an incredibly awesome, wonderful person, and so shouldn't I show how much I respect him by being my characteristic blunt and tell him my thoughts? Shouldn't I do my part and help him they best way I know how and explain my feelings that, even though everyone has these desires and in of themselves, they are beautiful, but they should not be entertained till the appropriate time? Am I "preachy"? Am I self-righteous? Would he be offended? Would he speak to me again? Would he still value my opinion like he has so many times before? Would he listen? What would God have me do?

Why do we hurt people we love? If we love them, why berate and make them feel small? If we see that teasing and reawakening old, painful memories hurts a person, and that person has shown us time and time again that they DON'T think it's funny, why would we do it again? And again? And again? Why do we justify cruel teasing by saying, "They laughed, to," or "See, she's smiling,"? How on earth can "You're a good sport," and "Oh, I love you," be classified as an apology?!

What's wrong with love? Why can't people just be able to tell each other how much they care for them? And why don't we show it? What is it we're afraid of? After all, isn't loving more important than being loved? Why is emotion so hard to express? What is about crying in front of others that makes us cringe? Why do we hide emotions under casual, indifferent, shrugging cloaks?

Why is forgiving oneself so much more difficult than forgiving others? Why are we all so proud? Why does it plague our souls wherever we go and whatever we do, beyond any reasoning or logic? Why is it that even when we KNOW we are so pitiful, sinning, crude creatures, we're still capable of holding our heads above the clouds?
Why?!

Two Lumps

Let's try several spoonfuls...

Joys
From least to greatest

"You Are My Sunshine"
The Song. I love it.

Asking
I want to make others think

Accomplishing a goal
Having the Will to do it, more like

Clouds
It's a long story. Many stories, actually.

Overcoming Weakness
Not on my own, actually. I'd like it more, only it's so painful, but the rewrad is worth it.

Listening
It's awfully loud, if you pay attention.

Running
Towards, not away.

Climbing
More for being closer to Up than escaping Down.

Thinking
I've got a whole world up there.

Exploring
It's like thinking, only with your arms and legs.

Smiling
Despite everything else.

Laughing
Especially when I make others do it.

Knowing
And then you only know it MORE.

Learning
The cross between Thinking and Exploring.

Hugs
More for me than most people, I think.

Letting Someone Know/Knowing Myself
And it isn't done enough, gosh darn it!

Rx

You must take your medicine before the sugar for it to be effective. So, here is my "medicine."

Fears:
From least to worst

Declining health
my body holding me back from things that I love

Being Lost-Physically
I do NOT like not knowing where I am

Loneliness
I think not loving is worse than not being loved, but only just.

Not Making A Difference
At the end of my life, I want to know some one is better off because of me.

Missed Opportunities
I have the capability, but will I be too afraid or lazy to grasp life when it's in reach?

Losing my Friends
My friends have gotten me through so much. I couldn't bare betraying their trust.

Rape
I'd prefer the slowest, most painful death.

Forgetting
If I forget the people I love or the lessons I've learned, I'd lose time and most of my identity.