Reprise

Oh, for the love!

This blog is supposed to be my lay-out of all the strange and peculiar ideas that strike me, not venting of angst!

So I'll so make a reprise of my imaginative self, bringing us to this post:

New things I've learned lately:

How to get to the Orthodontist from the high school.

Flattery can be lethal when combined with Vanity

Why Patience is a virtue

How to crochet a white star on a purple buret.

The friendships you have to work hardest to gain and maintain can be the most rewarding.

Loving again after a great loss can be a lot harder than in the movies.

Conflict is rarely cut-n-dry; there are always two sides or more.

Culture is more than language or beliefs or anything else we try to tack it down to.

The huge difference between baking powder and baking soda.

How to make Restaurant and Business Logo's.

How to run up and down a violin like it's a zipper.

That I actually like some Mexican food

Futons are one of the most comfortable places to sleep. Ever.

That I like myself.

Impending, Fantastical Doom

Gosh, College and life away from Rexburg is looming over me. All I can say is I will feel totally exposed and unprepared. I've only just lately started to realize how sheltered I really am. I do want to get away from America, if but for a short time. I want to know the world is round, you know? I think of all that my sisters have done and are doing, and I shrink at the thought; I feel so small compared to them, so silly and frivolous, so unaware of things as they really are. I know I'll be lost for a month at least. It's taken me a few months to even get Rexburg's layout down--how am I supposed to navigate anywhere else? Ah, graduation scares me, and I never thought it would. I've always been a person to tackle ideas and challenges and new things with relish and gusto, but I'm afraid of life being too big to tackle and that I'll fall short--or worse, that I'll tackle it with all fervor and discover I've taken too much on myself, like my sisters before me. I have this horrible adoration of the future. I'm just so excited to start life at MY command, being able to go as fast as I want to, in a sense, without fear of looking over my shoulder at nay-sayers and copycats. But then they don't ever leave, do they? The only thing that'll change is whether or not I'm looking over my shoulder to see them. Doesn't the thought ever seize you: the hope of becoming the greatest of all, compounded by the fear of total failure, which twists into some dreaded hybrid, like crying for joy or laughing so hard you wet yourself? Ever feel like that?

Stone and a Hard Place

You know that terrible moment in mental/emotional/physical/psychological development when you're stuck between Needs, Wants, Values, Traditions, Growing Independence, and Passions? Yeah, I just hit it going 96 mph on cruse control.

New Pet Peeve

When Mormons say things at funerals like,
I knew...
I loved...
They were...

Hey! Where is your faith?! They still exist. They are somewhere else, but still living, if not where we can see them. You STILL know and love them, I should hope, and they are the same person as when in this mortal life. They aren't lost or gone... just visibly absent. I mean, really!

With Answers I Don't Like

You know, I'm finally realizing why my sister hates Drama People so much.

This is a repeat of one of my last questions:
WHY DO WE DO THIS!?
We tear each other down, bite off heads, talk over, trod under our feet, and then what?
We ignore.

Why hurt people, why make them feel small? Is it to feel better about ourselves? But we don't, that's just it. Never by cruel words can we improve ourselves.

If you can't tell, I'm in one of my rare angry moods. Today I was hurt, and no one even knew it. Even some one who considers herself one of my best friends ignored me, assuming I was in one of my bubbly moods as usual, and talked about her small universe. If anyone had simply looked at my face or really listened to my voice, they would have known. I'm feeling kicked to the curb. I feel shrunk. I feel clumsy and immature and stupid around my friends.
No, I'm not angry. I'm sad. I've been wounded and forgotten. I feel like I've been transported back to the days when my sisters would all walk in an impenetrable line in front of me, whispering and laughing and berating anything I tried to put into the conversation. I feel nine years old again and every time I try to put in my opinion, it's immediately shot down. I feel stupid, and did I mention small?

I also feel like I can't make a difference. I've been trying, honest, so why do I still stand alone? I talk in a crowded room and no one turns their head. I have an idea and no one listens. People tune me out; I'm totally aware of this and have evidence. Sometimes I just wish people would do for me what I so often do for them. No thank you needed, but I would like a return of love, capiche?

No Answers

Questions I asked myself on a four-hour ride home from Utah.

Am I wrong? Should I lower my standards and tolerate the world? Am I just idealistic? Does maturity have to mean tolerating images and thoughts that I was taught since I was born were wrong and/or sacred and not to be displayed? Should I tell this person whom I love how awkward and severely uncomfortable I felt? I know he knows better, and I know he's such an incredibly awesome, wonderful person, and so shouldn't I show how much I respect him by being my characteristic blunt and tell him my thoughts? Shouldn't I do my part and help him they best way I know how and explain my feelings that, even though everyone has these desires and in of themselves, they are beautiful, but they should not be entertained till the appropriate time? Am I "preachy"? Am I self-righteous? Would he be offended? Would he speak to me again? Would he still value my opinion like he has so many times before? Would he listen? What would God have me do?

Why do we hurt people we love? If we love them, why berate and make them feel small? If we see that teasing and reawakening old, painful memories hurts a person, and that person has shown us time and time again that they DON'T think it's funny, why would we do it again? And again? And again? Why do we justify cruel teasing by saying, "They laughed, to," or "See, she's smiling,"? How on earth can "You're a good sport," and "Oh, I love you," be classified as an apology?!

What's wrong with love? Why can't people just be able to tell each other how much they care for them? And why don't we show it? What is it we're afraid of? After all, isn't loving more important than being loved? Why is emotion so hard to express? What is about crying in front of others that makes us cringe? Why do we hide emotions under casual, indifferent, shrugging cloaks?

Why is forgiving oneself so much more difficult than forgiving others? Why are we all so proud? Why does it plague our souls wherever we go and whatever we do, beyond any reasoning or logic? Why is it that even when we KNOW we are so pitiful, sinning, crude creatures, we're still capable of holding our heads above the clouds?
Why?!

Two Lumps

Let's try several spoonfuls...

Joys
From least to greatest

"You Are My Sunshine"
The Song. I love it.

Asking
I want to make others think

Accomplishing a goal
Having the Will to do it, more like

Clouds
It's a long story. Many stories, actually.

Overcoming Weakness
Not on my own, actually. I'd like it more, only it's so painful, but the rewrad is worth it.

Listening
It's awfully loud, if you pay attention.

Running
Towards, not away.

Climbing
More for being closer to Up than escaping Down.

Thinking
I've got a whole world up there.

Exploring
It's like thinking, only with your arms and legs.

Smiling
Despite everything else.

Laughing
Especially when I make others do it.

Knowing
And then you only know it MORE.

Learning
The cross between Thinking and Exploring.

Hugs
More for me than most people, I think.

Letting Someone Know/Knowing Myself
And it isn't done enough, gosh darn it!